October is a hard month for me. This morning I was sitting at my desk working on payroll when out of nowhere I started crying. I am not a crier. The first time I remember getting in trouble would cement in tears as a signal of abandonment. I was in preschool and the teachers thought I was crying. I wouldn’t stop, and after multiple attempts to shame me into stopping they eventually gave up and forced me to sit in the hall all alone until I was ready to be a big girl. The trouble was I wasn’t crying the emotional tears of a distraught 4 year old over someone yanking a toy away, no, my eye was watering because of the piece of metal lodged in it. My doctor had to miss her flight home for Christmas to perform emergency surgery on my eye. It took me until last year to realize this was the reason I didn’t want to let others see me cry. I am learning. Logically I know that crying is a good thing and so is letting those around me support me through those moments. Rewriting something so long reinforced such as this takes work and time.
Anyway that wasn’t really the point I was attempting to write about. Perhaps I’m feeling a bit more exposed than normal today due to this crying extravaganza.
I was sitting here and feeling overwhelmed by all these deep emotions of gratitude, bitter heartache, and loss.
13 years ago one of my dearest friends passed away at the age of 20 from a plane crash. October 29th was the day it happened, and every October since I have felt that pull of unrecoverable loss. She was a fearless, strong, independant woman who was on a mission to take the world by storm. A big part of my drive comes from the loss of her ability to do so in this world. I want to carry that torch and bring the light she was meant to bring. I want to honor her by embodying the qualities she held and stove for in her short life. She lived every day to the fullest and she was stubborn as hell. Damn I love that woman. I miss you Kai. Sigh…
The other major thing that happened in October happened almost 2 years to the day. If you go to the very beginning of the blog archive you can read the story of what happened, but for now I’ll leave you with my current feelings about it all.
I lost my mind. Tumbling in a sea of ever churning waves and chaos my mind took me to depths of bewilderment I never could have imagined before. The circling thoughts that I couldn’t stop…it brought me to the back of a police car numb, cold, empty, broken. The officer took me to the hospital where I had to explain why I was suicidal and what my plans were over and over. Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. Terror. It was a horrible event that has left another scar on the emotional skin we all wear inside. As you can see, I’m here. I made it through. I am better and stronger and more capable for having gone through all that.
Sitting here I felt the gratitude of someone who has been shown true and undeniable unconditional love. There were 2 people in particular who were there for me in ways that I could never express the extent of help and support they provided. Melon, my best friend, and Ray, one of our cuddlers who has since moved away. These two people put in so much time, effort, and energy without even being asked. They reached out and took care of me, spent time with me, made food for me, talked to me, let me cry on their shoulders, helped me keep the business from crumbling as my whole world just had. Knowing that those people were here not because it was me, but because I was human and I mattered…it’s what makes my life what it is. It’s what makes me who I am. I am honored and humbled by this experience of unconditional love, and my life is devoted to showing others this same miracle. It is our birthright and our responsibility to be, do, and feel this love for ourselves and those around us.
Today I am grateful for Kai, for Melon, for Ray, for those who have hurt me, and those who have helped me. I am grateful for those who tear me down, and I am grateful for those who build me up. I am grateful for my life, my work, my family, for you.
Life is a series of challenges of varying, size, shape, and outcomes. October is my reminder that there is vast knowledge in the depths of our experiences, and that above all else, love wins.