Today is moving day for Cuddle Up To Me. This has been months and sort of years in the making. When I first signed the lease for this space I did so knowing it was this or nothing, but over the last 3 years this place has been my home. Not in the literal “I lived here” sense, but I spend a lot more time in this building than anywhere else, including my actual home. A little over years ago I started my business thinking I could make a difference for a handful of people. Here I am, over 100 million people seeing my story, knowing who I am, seeing me grow, shift, and change into the person before you today. I’d like to say I’m a better person for all that I’ve been through. I’d like to say that I am where I thought I’d be. The truth is though that the only thing I can say for certain is that I’m different.
Today I stand at the desk watching as everything I’ve built leaves this space. As I stand here the countless hours I’ve spent here fade away. The next chapter begins tomorrow, and in so many ways I’m beyond ready for it. In so many ways I’m not. While I watch everything change around me I see everything I’ve built, every ounce of effort I’m made and every drop of blood, sweat, and tears that has made me and my business what we are. I am a hard worker, no one can doubt that. I try. Every. Fucking. Day. I do my best (takes a deep breath). I make mistakes. I am afraid. I fail. I even fall apart from time to time. But overall I am proud of myself and where I am at in my life.
The world around me is shifting. Whether I’m ready or not these things happen. Suddenly. Even with months of planning. Today I feel like I’m not strong enough for all this. My body is weak, tired. My brain is an ever goo-ifying mass of grey fuzz that seems to be dripping down the inside of my skull today and beading at the bottom of my skull into a pool of who I used to be. Exhaustion does not begin to explain how I feel. My bones ache. My heart hurts. Emotions are seeping out of every mistake and empty corner of my life up to this point. The feelings of pride, determination, and success will join me later, for this I am sure. Right now it’s misery though. Long sleepless nights, endless tasks and worries. A sea of money wasted and neglected opportunities. If only I had the time. The ability. The interest. To do more. be more. I know, it’s bullshit what I’m feeling. I know it’s only a small fraction of the truth. You know who I am. The girl who giggles and plays dinosaurs and believes that the world is good. I am that girl. And no, I’m not using “girl” in a self-deprecating way. A girl is sometimes the strongest form a woman can be. I have no shame in my girlhood. I wear it bravely as a way to protect myself from the pessimism of the world. As a girl I can, will, and do succeed.
I am all over the place. I know. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing this journey and living with me through all the everything. *deep breath
What I want to say is that I’m excited for the new space (but the reality is that I’m only actually excited about the being done with moving part soon). The possibility of a more balanced future comes with this new lease. Our rent will be about half, and the new space cozy and comfy as something that I can’t think of to be honest haha. Even now I try to put in effort I don’t have to give haha. What today means is a possibility that soon everything I’ve worked so hard for may actually pay off. I am almost to the point where I won’t have to work 70+ hour weeks to keep this going. My cashed in “plan b” is still withstanding. Even 8 months in I have enough to get by on (financially) for at least another 2 years, and with the prospect of finally, after almost 3 years without an income, having an actual real life bank depositable salary on the horizon I am beginning to let go of my breath.
This morning the movers were scheduled to arrive at 8:30am. At 8:45 I called to check on them. The company forgot. Here we are 11:48am and the guys have managed to make it here and we should be all packed up in the next half hour. I have until 2pm tomorrow to get the new space ready, but I’m allowing myself to be of the mindset that I can only do what I can do. The rooms look beautiful. The AC works. As long as I can muster enough energy to put together one room I’m golden. Anything else is a bonus at this point. Today I will take a nap. Today I have to take a nap. I will make time to take a nap. I will forgive myself for any guilt I feel for taking a nap when I have so gosh darned much to do. Sorry, that last part was for me.
For now I will leave my rant of random thoughts here as a post-it for all the other posts I want to write but don’t have time or brainpower to make happen just yet. Know that I am ok. Well, I’m not, but I’m working on it. I will check back in as soon as possible. I will share all the things. For now, I must go as the giant panda face goes, outward, onward, and upward toward the new home and life we’ve been waiting for.
With all my love,