Today I’m sitting here at work in the dark drinking coffee and feeling the stiffness in my back and the fog in my brain.
As you probably know my life has been a chaotic and messy roller coaster ride since October, well really since I started the business.
I feel grateful even in the challenging moments because I get to know all of you. I get to do work that matters to me, and most importantly, I get to feel like what I do in each day is true to who I am. I am tired. I am utterly exhausted to be quite honest. In the last 6 weeks I have pushed myself past the balance point where I get to be both person and persona. My life belongs to my business, and it belongs to all of you. That being said, I am also coming to the realization that I have not done a good job of taking care of myself these past few weeks like I have tried to do for those around me. Long days, skipped meals, endless thoughts about how to grow, expand and continue my mission through the challenges ahead.
After the breaking point in October I vowed to take better care of myself. To do all the little things that are vital to my ability to thrive. Yet, here I am recognizing I have let myself put my self care on the back burner again in order to accommodate as many requests as possible. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. It’s likely a universal struggle. I’ve still been doing my meditations, but my diet and exercise habits have become quite poor again.
The tough part for me is that I have to weigh every decision about self care based on my ability to make money for the business so we can keep going. It’s quite difficult to turn down a session request when I know that the weight of keeping this going is on my shoulders. When I know that the only way I will ever actually be able to take a salary is by continuing to push ahead.
Balancing a new relationship, the very few friendships I have been able to hold onto, self care, running the business, growing the business and running my own household all at once seems all but impossible. I take a deep breath. I take another. I feel the pain and stiffness in my bones. I want to cry. I hold back knowing that there will be time for that later, but later doesn’t always come.
This is the point where I start to wonder if it’s all worth it. The personal debt, the lack of stability, the endless challenges of doing this so long without seeing the progress I’ve hoped for…my best friend Melon tells me in these moments that I’m being fatalist, and she’s right. It’s silly for me to put all this weight on my shoulders. It’s silly to hold everything in one moment. Things are moving forward. I am making progress. I am helping people in safe and productive ways. I am surrounded by people who love and appreciate me, and darn it, I love and appreciate me too.
Today I choose me. I choose to make time to person again. I choose to find balance. I will make better choices. I will take better care of myself. I will not feel guilty for saying no. I will ask for help.
Honestly, what will help me the most is knowing I have people with me. If you have read through this and want to be part of my support team I am going to ask you to take this journey with me. Send me an email or a facebook message and tell me your challenges and your successes. Tell me what works and what doesn’t in your world. Tell me how you have been working to better yourself and the world around you. I will respond with this simple message so you know that I have heard you: “I appreciate you. Thank you for doing this with me.”
I will do an update as soon as I can to tell you all what I have been doing to find a better balance in my life. Just taking the time to write this out helps me a lot. Today will be a good day. I am so grateful for your time and your ear. Thank you for being here for me.
Peavce, Love and Cuddles,