Three and a half months ago I was taken by a police officer to the hospital. I was at the lowest point in my life, and I had lost control. I completed outpatient treatment and have continued to see a counselor as I progress to a state of normalcy.
Many of you have followed my story and have shown me so much support and kindness through this journey. Thank you. First and foremost, thank you. Please know that every like, every comment, every message and ever thought has absolutely been helpful and more valuable than I could possibly express. Going through the challenges I faced is something I would not have survived on my own. Please continue to show your love and support and I will do the same.
A lot has happened through this madness, and I am really excited about it all. I was able to finish training with our first male cuddler, Cam, who is now accepting clients and changing lives. I am so glad he is on the team. I am proud of his progress with the training program, and I have already seen him utilize his new found snuggle skills to help make things better for many people. It’s nice to see him putting the concepts I teach into use.
I had also been tasked with completing negotiations, signing paperwork and creating a full online certification program for a new company that is launching soon in the midst of all my madness. This was incredibly challenging and brought me to tears many times trying to figure out my self worth, determine if it was even possible to create a safe and simple online course for what I do and to complete all of this while I was reemerging from my outpatient care cocoon. This program that they absolutely had to have in the middle of my breakdown has now sat around unused for months due to trademarking issues. Oh well. Its time will come. At least I feel great about the work I did and was able to prove to myself that I am strong and worthy of the good things I tell myself.
I am also going to be hiring again soon…well as soon as I can finish taxes for the company and myself. I can’t wait to bring in a few more people to help create the diversity I am looking for in our staff.
Noticing how much healthier I am when I get to be a person and not just a persona I have also maintained fairly well taking actual days off to person. I have cut down my hours at the studio and am now taking Tues/Wed off most weeks. It feels really good to have the time and energy to keep my house clean, cook, hike, journal, read, watch tv, and anything I darn well please.
Financially we are back on track, and by back on track I mean we have been able to overcome the huge deficit caused by me not being able to work and we are back to the point where we are able to pay all of the bills minus a salary for myself as has been the case since we opened. It feels sort of good to know that I do all of this for free. I get paid in love and hugs and the satisfaction that I get to make someone’s day a little brighter. Until my credit cards are maxed out, this is all that I need. We will get to the point where I can start taking a salary, just not yet. I am not worried and you shouldn’t be either. Things work out. We always find a way (:
Boy oh boy what a journey this has been. Looking back I can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short time. It feels like a lifetime ago that this happened. The first few weeks I could barely eat and did nothing but self care 24/7. What an interesting experience to loose one’s mind. That is where I ended up, and I am grateful. It’s the moments when we test ourselves that we get to see the true intricacies of how we function. I got to be a witness to the repair and reparations as my mind regained control and discovered the incredible person who pulls the strings (me). As someone who never shies away from a challenge and almost never doubts herself, I got to discover a part of me that I had never seen before. This broke me in a way that I didn’t even know was in the realm of possibilities. When I left my marriage I thought nothing could be worse than the devastation of a decade of negative self-judgment, insecurities, and neglect. Life sure has a way of testing me whenever my mindset becomes static. As soon as I am certain things cannot get worse here comes the universe to remind me of impermanence. “Oh, btw Sam, you know how you thought that thing that almost destroyed you was the worst thing ever, well we’ve got a new one of those for you.” -The Universe. But I suppose that’s the great thing about impermanence, everything always changes at some point. Lucky for us as humans we are resilient and malleable and evolutionary and 12 other words that mean we win at bad-assery.
I did regain control of my mind pretty quickly, but with the consequences of PTSD in effect. I couldn’t multitask anymore, to the point of not even being able to listen to the radio while I drove. I became very basic in my tasks and did my best to routinize my life to help get a baseline. I woke up and meditated, went for a walk, took a shower, tried to eat something (anything please), I would journal, stretch, sit and just be, reach out for support, read, walk, journal, try to eat again, make tea…I couldn’t even watch tv. It was too much at first. Eventually I made it back to a fairly normal life for myself. After about 2 weeks I was able to eat real meals again, and even listen to the radio in my car sometimes.
Once I adapted to being me again I set up new routines to keep myself focused on growth and self care. I started a 12 week training program with the goal of 10 pull ups…I made it 7 weeks and for the first time in my life I can do a pull up! I started dating again and figuring out what I want and need from that part of my life. I started hiking again!!!! I miss being in nature so much. The business has been such an enormous part of my life for so long and with relationships filling the rare free time I had, my sense of self got lost in the mix. I had forgotten what I had given up in order to make my life work. It feels so good to remember that I like things and that’s ok. I can read when I want to read. I can go for a hike at 6am if I want to go for a hike at 6am. I can sleep in…ok, that one isn’t true, but only because my body is refusing to cooperate haha. I cook what I want, clean what I want, go to bed when I want. I don’t have to consider what is best for anyone else.
In November I started seeing a counselor who has been an incredible help to me. I was nervous going on because his background was super religious and I am not of any faith. This became a non issue as I discovered he was simply a professional who wanted to help me. I still see him every 2 weeks and thus far my biggest revelation was this: I no longer feel the need to find my happily ever after because I already have it. I had spent my life up until this point determined that finding a life long partner would make me happiest. The thing I didn’t realize before my counseling sessions was that the reason I felt so strongly the urge to have this happily ever after was because my whole life I had felt abandoned by almost every strong male figure in my life and having a life partner allowed me to feel the security of someone who wouldn’t abandon me. Woah. This was huge for me. Now I go along knowing that no matter what I’ve got me and I am my own Prince Charming. Anyone who comes into my life from now on will stay as long as it works and will go when it doesn’t. This is a huge relief for me. It doesn’t mean I am against LTR’s or that I want to be non-monogamous (although this experience did open me up to explore the possibility which I very quickly discovered is not for me after all). It simply means that no matter what, I am good. I can now have abundance without attachment. Obviously I’m human and I will have my moments, but overall this concept of impermanence has empowered me to truly take responsibility for my own happiness or misery. Either way, it’s on me. I love this!
Day to day I am back at a place where the pendulum swings are pretty close to the middle, but I’m ready for the next big wave. Whenever it comes, whatever way the wind blows, I will be ready. I will take a breath, collect my thoughts and allow the healthy me to ebb and flow with the changing tides. Out of the ashes arose the Phoenix and it feels good.
Peace, Love and Cuddles,