Here I am, going through more pendulum swings, but knowing they are productive. I’ve had a lot of you reach out and tell me you are worried about me after reading my past entries. Please know this, when I write something out, when I talk it out and meditate on it, I release it (even if only momentarily). I do these things because the chaos in my head becomes unruly if I don’t get it out. The thoughts and struggles I have are like a boiling kettle, without the whistle of steam, it would all just boil over. Once I write it, I let it go. The thoughts no longer plague me in those moments after expressing them. Sure, they come back, as history often does, but the sharing, writing, and expressing are a part of the process that allows me to stay healthy and whole day to day.
With what I do, I do not have the luxury of bringing my personal life to work with me. I have to check it at the door if I am to be there fully for others. Before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning, I have to get all the crazy out. haha. But seriously. So please, do not worry about me moment to moment. Know I am taking care of myself and doing what is right for me.
That being said, I have a bit to get through before going to sleep tonight, so here’s where I’m at today…
I’m going to bed tonight for the first time knowing that there is zero chance I will find my way back to my ex-boyfriend. I still adore him as a person, and this will likely always be the case. But now I get to release all the stress, drama and pain from that relationship and move forward- for real. It hurts, but it is also nice. We are both moving on and finding our paths.
It’s so funny how I process all this so logically. I called my best friend after I got home tonight crying from this freshly opened wound and talked myself in circles until I had the light bulb moment of accepting all the individual pieces for what they were, accepting that I have to go through one last grieving process, feel all the feels and then I can let go.
I am only now realizing how logical I am. I have never been a “sensitive” person, but I also never saw myself as unemotional…heck, I am certainly anything but that haha. I do work through things very logically though and when it makes sense, I accept it. It’s kind of nice. It’s like I take all the incoming information and immediately process it to the appropriate category (or box for those of you who know me), and then handle the boxes as needed. That’s why the pendulum swings don’t make sense to me- conflicting thoughts are illogical. But it also means that I will sit and think about them until a conclusion is drawn. This makes it so I process through emotional turmoil in a lightning fast way most of the time. The things I’ve dealt with over the last 5 or so weeks has been crazy intense, but somehow I already feel like I’ve dealt with the bulk of it. In the day to day stuff, I feel great. I literally caught myself dancing yesterday morning while folding laundry haha. Yes, I laughed out loud and then danced more. My life is awesome. I have amazing people around me. I am amazing. I am happy. I feel good. I look good. Today, I have had more pendulum swings, but I got to work through them and now I get to go to bed high-fiving this rock star because she did great work today! Yes, I just sang a little I’m awesome song in my head. It happens. I get to go to bed feeling good. Knowing that I’ve done everything I could. Knowing that my latest relationship ends with no regrets. I have done everything I could. I just get another chance to find someone who appreciates all the amazing qualities I have.
The last thing I want to do before I go to sleep is this:
Tell you I love you. I respect you. I am grateful for you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being exactly who you are in this moment. You are good enough. You are strong. You are capable, and no matter what, you are loved.
Peace, Love and Cuddles,