Dreams Are Weird
This morning I woke up from a dream where I was a serial killer. That wasn’t even the disturbing part. The really awful part was that I was so detached from my actions. I felt no remorse, sadness, or pain from these actions. I mean, I was putting bombs in buildings, and I wasn’t around when they blew up, but still. Wow brain…wow.
I do sort of subscribe to dreams having to do with unprocessed emotions from our waking life, and until right this minute I was having a hard time placing where that detachment was coming from. Turns out it is most likely associated with my roommate’s dog. Tulip is a very sweet looking dog who does some pretty adorable dog things like putting her head on your knee (when I have food). In the last few months it’s really started to wear on me though that this dog doesn’t seem to give any fucks about me unless I am in the process of scratching her or if I have food out. The rest of the time she refuses to even be in the same room, and it’s heartbreaking to see how my only value to this being is when services are rendered.
I’ve never had a dog inspire such feelings of inadequacy as Tulip does. There have been lots of dogs who love food or pets or whatever, but she is the first one who shows that unless I’m giving to her constantly I don’t even exist.
Just now Tulip came up to me on the couch and put her paw sweetly on my arm, the dog version of “pets please.” So I scratched around her collar for a bit and turned back to my writing. She put her paw on me again, but this time instead of fulfilling her request I told her I was writing and asked her to lay down. She looked at me, then left the room. Well fuck you too Tulip. What a dick this dog is. So selfish. Man, I really miss living with cats. At least cats are up front about not giving any fucks…plus they have visual ques that they enjoy being petting whereas Tulip just stands there with the same look in her eye with no other discernible changes in demeanor. Basically I give a cat pets and I can see they appreciated it, I give Tulip pets and she shows no interest until I stop, and if I don’t continue she hates me. haha. Pretty sure dogs don’t experience emotions like me, but you get my point.
That dream was so weird. There was this whole other part where I ended up working with four other women to steal from the business we all worked for who treated people horribly, and at first I was apprehensive to help, but in the end I chose loyalty to these women and the people working there. We setup this elaborate scheme to steal 1.3 billion… in change. hahaha. Wow. No problems there. Good work brain.
Perhaps the thoughts of Burning Man intermixed here. Last night I spent like an hour and a half combing and styling a white wig I bought for the Man and I’ve been searching for what I want to wear on the white day as I’m told that’s a thing I should plan for. All of us were dressed in beautiful flowing white dresses and these bad ass white wigs as we setup our plot. I think that created some of the loyalty in my mind. It was nice to be part of something, even if it was fucked up haha.
When I woke up I laid there and thought about this dream before I started my meditation to analyze and compare to how I feel in my waking life. I decided that killing people is not something I could or would do in real life. That’s good. I thought about the feeling of detachment and tried to pinpoint what triggered that. Yesterday we had a really lovely group cuddle event where we all laughed a lot, and between that event, my clients, Ben, Melon, my coworkers, and the new Introverts Unite events my life feels more connected than it has in a really long time.
Which reminds me, last week three of my coworkers asked for or were open to sessions/activities with me and it was so nice to give a little something back to these women who do so much for me. They have made a huge impact in my life, and I am so grateful. I honestly don’t think I could keep doing this work in the way I do without the support of these amazing humans. Joey has taken over the social media stuff for me, and Cora just offered to do her own marketing on a volunteer basis since we can’t yet afford to pay for her time to do this. Olivia made time to redo her marketing photos as she just cut off most of her hair. It looks great!
Next Saturday I turn 35, and it feels a bit surreal. Half way to 70 haha. I just got my licence renewed, and in the picture I can see two grey hairs quite clearly. I look at them with a sense of pride. Same with my wrinkles. These are signs my body has lived, experienced, and survived so much. I don’t know if I will ever change my tune about being excited to get older, but for now at least, I am grateful for every passing day, every passing moment, the contrast- pain, joy, abundance, sacrifice, all of it. Each of these things contribute to me in unique ways that shape who I become. Without all of them I wouldn’t be me, and I want to cherish who I am, faults, mistakes, and failures included.
Thanks for tuning in, for being part of my story, and for being you. I hope you know that no matter what happens in your life you are worthy of love, kindness, and connection. I aim to be proof of that. That’s the point of this blog- to show that even in our darkest moments, if we shine light on the pain and allow ourselves to be who we truly are, we will find all that we need. While I am responsible for my pain, getting to share it makes me feel loved, valued, and accepted as I am. Seeing that those who stay prove this is true gives me hope that others will find their own version of how to do this as well.
Maybe you aren’t a no holds barred type of sharer like myself. Maybe sharing isn’t your thing. But maybe, just maybe, by being here together we can help each other be whatever it is we need, want, and deserve to be. If your brain just turned any of that into a negative I invite you to tell your brain that you want to feel the opposite of whatever it just told you. I believe in you, even if history says otherwise. I’m on team you. Let’s struggle together haha. Yay, life! or ya know, ya…….life….as long as we’re together (: