Working on Borrowed Energy
Last Saturday I finished the Consent and Boundary Setting Workshop that I’ve been trying to complete for maybe 6 months. It was the second of the three big projects in my world over the last year or so (the others being the online learning portal for certification training which I completed in September and my second book which now I hope to finish editing in Summer- click here if you want to submit your story for it).
Yesterday I finished all the edits/errors with the new workshop and put it out to the world. I felt so proud of myself and so accomplished. I’ve put so much into my work, and it feels like I am really making progress in a way that’s felt lost to me for the last few years.
Last night our new mattress was delivered which I was so happy about because since I’ve been back from the Philippines my sleep has been off. I’ve had maybe three or four nights since then that I’ve woken up less than 6 times in the night. This morning was no different than the rest as the old mattress was too soft and the new mattress too firm, and I’m over here like this porridge is bullshit. Well, I do at least believe I’ll adapt to the new mattress, even if it might mean a few more nights/weeks of this sleepless torture.
Today I had no appointments until the afternoon, and my brain got all excited at the possibilities of having more than two hours for self care when it hit me-I’m exhausted and out of fucks to give. I got up and made coffee. I drank coffee. I did some internet research (i.e. looked at grocery ads, recipes, played a tapping game of no importance), then I put on some television because my body did that thing where my brain says “let’s plant some seeds! oh and let’s bake something. And then let’s figure out what to make for dinner and start it now because crock pots are a thing. And don’t forget laundry. Oh and also let’s do 27 other things because I have the mental capacity of a gaggle of chipmunks who just took crack!” (pretty sure none of that makes sense, but my brain doesn’t always focus on logic). And my body laughs and reminds me I had my turn, and fuck that. And so on.
So essentially my brain kept bargaining with my body saying okay, you can win until 11am, we will eat something and then I get to do things again! and my body kept saying “good try! A for effort! Yeah, suuuuurrrrreee. We’re super doing that.” And then it was twelve, and then 1, and then 1:15, and then I had to actually get up because work.
On my way to work I was reflecting back on this very confusing state of body/brain argument olympics I seem to be experiencing when it hit me. I have been working on borrowed energy. In order to complete the workshop I had to push myself. I did a bunch of long days and worked extra hard and gave it my all. And that much work can only be done on borrowed energy. Hear me out- mental and physical work are things we have so much capacity for, let’s call it our fucks meter.
So things like sleeping, showering, and eating are things that give me more capacity to give fucks about my mental/physical activities. Things like negative self talk, doing/thinking about things, or simply being awake are things that drain the amount of fucks I have to give. But what happens when we have those things, what do you call them? Oh yeah, re-spon-si-bil-ities (or trauma).
Stupid responsibilities. Stupid trauma.
Well sometimes I am responsible for things even when my fucks meter is on empty, and because I’m an adult I don’t always get to stop just because I’m on empty so I borrow fucks to give from Future Sam. She’s gonna have fucks to give tomorrow, so I’ll just take a few of those and use them now. Well guess what? We can do that a bunch of times before our body catches up to our brain and taking future fucks no longer puts any fucks in the meter for right now.
So today I realized the reason I didn’t do all the eleven gillion things my brain thought were super important is because I hit the well, let’s call it the flux capacitor injunction where borrowing from the future is no longer possible. And then I realized that it’s okay to not be okay, and even though I largely feel okay and I’m actually mostly happy right now I’m also at the flux capacity injunction simply because my fucks meter has been on borrowed time for too long and. I. Need. To. Rest.
My brain gets all flustrated at this because, as it was recently pointed out to me, I have an above average processing speed in my brain (and likely adhd). So I have to fill my meter back up even though there’s only good things and progress to explain why that happens, and the brain doesn’t understand taking breaks after doing good things when it belongs to me, but lucky for me I have this body that’s dealt with a lot of trauma and it had decided to be my guide to giving a fuck properly. Thanks body! I wish you didn’t hurt so much, but I suppose if that were the case my brain would always win haha.
Oh, I also forgot to make time to tell you about my existential crisis I had in the middle of making the workshop (unrelated to the workshop) where I realized that I was feeling undervalued because I had somehow managed to forget all the things I learned about finding value from within and unbeknownst to myself I had switched to my personal value being derived from the business. I suppose when you give anything as much time and energy as I’ve given this and this is a thing that is literally and for good reason in existence due to the judgment of others it’s almost inevitable that those two things become intrinsically tied at some point.
So now I’m aware of that, and I’ve been back to my “I love you Sam’s” and my self gratitude and acknowledging my efforts rather than just writing those things off as inherent things because in fact, I have earned everything I have found, and I am proud of myself. I am proud of my business too, and I can take a step back and see what I’ve grown and see the youthful promises of future’s unknown and realize that I don’t have to be where I thought I’d be to have value. What I’ve built is beautiful and wonderful just like I am, but in sometimes totally different ways.
I am learning to let go of the hopes, dreams, and expectations of my business and myself and instead take the approach that works better for my health- enjoy the journey, knowing only today.
Thank you for being here and listening to my growing pains. I am ever grateful, ever learning, ever me, ever changing.